Uncle Sam Turns Tricks (And Stiffs Sex Workers)

“They seemed like complete stupid idiots. I was surprised that every time he [the Secret Service agent] danced with me, he lifted up his sweater so I could see [his ripped abs].”

Beefcake unburdened by brains is how Colombian call girl Dania Suárez described the Special Forces agents who solicited her services at the Hotel El Caribe in Cartagena, Colombia, prior to President Obama’s arrival in that country for the April, 2012, Summit of the Americas.

The “morons,” said the sassy Suárez, “drank liberally and acted boisterously, one of them jumping onto the bar.” Nor were they shy about petitioning Suárez and her sex-worker colleagues for favors. Our boys abroad were clearly practiced pros. Slightly more uplifting was the news that one of the married Secret Service agents who serves the president at the pleasure of the American taxpayer likes “normal sex.”

Kinky carnality, however, is preferable to a man who does not honor a contract. The agent refused to pay Suárez the $800 dollars he owed her, which is why this tempest in a C-Cup blew up in the first place. Fortunately for the errant agent, “paid sex is legal in Cartagena.” Rather than call on a pimp, the prostitute petitioned local law enforcement for redress. A pimp would have likely worked the agent over good and proper.

All in all, a million here and there for a good time is nothing in the grand scheme of the tricks turned by the Empire’s foot-soldiers and stooges—and the toll these tricks take. Come to think of it, if regular visits with prostitutes kept the political class from launching trillion-dollar war- and welfare programs, and financing Fanny, Freddy and the Fed—I would personally contribute to a prostitution fund for Washington whores.

The prostitutes would be the patriots.

The “presstitutes,” on the other hand—Dana Bash of CNN comes to mind—thought nothing of the fact that for their misconduct, the men were merely sent home. Private sector stiffs: Wouldn’t you love to be “sent home” when you blow an assignment at work, and leave the tab for the boss?

Neither did Bret Baer of Fox News, usually a good guy, float the concept of firing the oink-sector scum. “Presstitutes” all share an understanding. No one who serves Uncle Sam and his agencies ever gets dismissed or disgraced. TSA pimps have license to strip-search crippled kids (if they’re Caucasian), or palpitate the scarred breast tissue of a cancer survivor (provided it is white) at the nation’s airports–and their identities and jobs remain protected.

Forgive the omission. There have been consequences. Perverse ones. One hundred members of the president’s security detail “will receive ethics training.” Indeed, if state workers “underperform,” their departments have cause to celebrate. Why? Because these pits of perversity will then be rewarded with more funds for “remedial” purposes. Yes, government failure invariably results in budgetary increases.

How much kinkier does it get than when failure amounts to success?

Don’t misunderstand me. I want working for government to be one of the most dangerous jobs ever (unfortunately, the honest work of fishermen earns that distinction). Generally cerebrally compromised, Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine) came up with an idea that would help accomplish this. The ranking member of the Senate Homeland Security and Government Affairs Committee “suggested that the problem [of stiffing prostitutes] could have been averted if more women were on duty,” to quote CNSNews.com.

Here’s my own Swiftian suggestion.

Go ape on affirmative action in the Secret Service. Not only should women and minorities be well-represented among the parasites’ security details; but they should be over-represented. Adjust admission tests, physical and cognitive. Make the Police Officer Selection Test (POST) easier. Or admit the desired gender and race with still lower scores. Drop the IQ requirements by two standard deviations, if necessary! And a bull’s eye on the target be damned. Sharpshooters of the new, “improved” intake needn’t drop an attacker; they can settle for grazing him. Aiming the firearm in the general direction of the assailant will suffice.

ALSO, support the super obese for the Secret Service too. Smother D.C. sons-of-guns in mountains of protective flesh, female, male or other.

That’s my Modest Proposal.